So I know it’s completely random that I’m posting for the first time in like a week……but I saw something today that caused my soul to tremble and my stomach to go queasy.

The story was horrible enough, Jamie Hubley, a 15 year old Ottawa resident committed suicide over the weekend. This was a gr. 10 student struggling to find acceptance, friendship, and love.

It wasn’t the news report itself that got to me…..but rather, visiting the blog that he maintained.

I forewarn you that the images contained on his site are very dark…. as are the contents of the posts.

Reading through this child’s life, I felt my heart literally break. Not only that, but I was forced to remember my own sense of helplessness not only as a teen but as a young adult.

Jamie’s story differs significantly from mine….and I’m not even going to pretend we were in the same league in terms of struggle. He was openly struggling with an addiction to cutting, while at the same time trying to understand and accept his sexual orientation.

I never came close to cutting…..So I’m not even going to attempt to talk about that…. but thinking of suicide was a regular feature of my life from about 13-17….and it wouldn’t have been very hard to accomplish either…….

With my Mom on strong narcotics due to her Lupus and fibro-mayalgia, all I had to do was sneak into her room and grab a fistful of oxys while she was out running errands.

Depression and suicidal thoughts weren’t entirely unique to my teen years either. As strange as it may sound, my thoughts of ending it all came up most strongly when I moved to London and started seminary. πŸ˜›

I know it sounds crazy. You would think that someone who is dedicated to God and the service of others would be immune to these kinds of notions….but (for me at least) it was quite the opposite.

I had never been quite so isolated in my life. No family. No friends. And a class full of seminarians who were in committed relationships….something I had longed for since I was 14, and never really got to experience to that point in my life. 😦

Now that I lived on my own, and had purchasing power….it would be super easy to purchase and register a fire-arm. It would be quick….and for once I wouldn’t feel bogged down by the weight of my tears. 😦

Through all of that….something held me back. Part of the biggest deterrent for me was (and continues to be) my nieces and nephews. As much as I can sometimes hate my own life, I absolutely adore theirs. <3.

As much as I sometimes want peace and quiet and rest for myself…somehow that doesn't seem worth the price of not being able to see them grow and learn and love.

So why am I mentioning this on a site that is supposed to provide spiritual guidance and uplifting??? I suppose the simple answer is this: I could have been that 15 year old suicide stat. Depression is real and it hurts. Cutting is real….and it hurts. Loneliness is real. And out of those three, it's loneliness that seems to hurt the most.

While faith can provide hope, support, love, and healing….that doesn't take away from the reality that loss is both real and tragic. 😦

Any one of us could be struggling with mental illness, physical pain, or emotional torment on a given day….and sometimes…..that suffering is well hidden.

For all of you who are dealing with sadness, apathy, frustration, a sense of uselessness, a feeling of being insignificant to yourself and to others…..you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to cry…..don’t be afraid to talk about it….don’t be afraid to share your feelings…

’cause the person you talk to might be the one who holds up the light for you. The person you talk to may be the one who wraps you in their arms and says I love you. And even if they aren’t….please know that there is a blogger in London, Ontario Canada that is thinking of you tonight.

Tonight we remember Jamie Hubley and all who are now at rest. Eternal rest grant unto them O Lord and let light perpetual shine upon them. ❀ +

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