As you’ve no doubt noticed, my posts have been really sporadic lately…..there’s a reason for that…..and one that still mystifies me even after 20+ years of dealing with it.

Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve struggled with mild to moderate depression……and for whatever reason….. I’m going through a bout of it now 😦

The thing that bothers me most about this particular episode is that I’m not sure what’s triggering it….

Anxiety about the new program year is definitely a contributing factor….. I’m scared that the youth group won’t like my ideas..and more to the point…..there is a small part of me that believes no one in their right mind should be taking the geek in the wheelchair seriously. :P.

And yet…..I wonder why I’m always so insecure when it comes to stuff like this…it kinda makes me feel like I’m in high-school all over again :P….which (trust me) was not a happy place to be :S

Of course, I suspect that particular apprehension will clear up once I actually get into the rhythm of Sunday morning discussions and other youth group…similar to the way my pre-sermon jitters disappear on Sun. morning once I start speaking :).

Also there’s the street ministry at Bishop Cronyn….which is going well enough……but I don’t really have anything to gauge its success or–on the flip side–its shortcomings.

Any time I’ve been in a pastoral job before, it’s been in a context where the focus has been on self-learning and discovery. To a certain extent, that is still the case… every encounter in ministry has the potential to unveil something about our own personalities and spiritual growth.

But I am confused as to whether I should be striving for something more……and if I am…..what is that something. Is it to get them into the doors of the church? Is it to expand the coffee-house ministry?

At the beginning of the placement, I had envisioned expanding the pool of volunteers and setting up a job/employment hub in the coffee-house……neither of which came to fruition…I feel like I haven’t done my job.

The question of whether I’m doing enough has me pondering whether I’m getting lazy and too comfortable with the status quo. I still haven’t come up with an answer. 😛

A last piece of the puzzle is the fact that I’m in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely believe that things are progressing well :)….but for a very long time….I attributed my bouts of depression to loneliness and the lack of a significant other.

Now I am faced with a stark reminder that depression is not so simple….it is something that has its roots not only in environment…..but also in genetics…..and something I will continue to deal with whether I have a girlfriend or not :P.

So that’s where I am at these days and why I haven’t been on this blog very much.

But why am I sharing these reflections with you??? The answer is simple…..I know there are a lot of people who struggle with depression, and even in finding God in the midst of darkness and despair. I am no exception, even though I maintain a blog on daily prayer and feel drawn to the priesthood. there are many times when I feel weak, fake, inadequate, and lost…….

May the Holy Trinity guide all of us during the times of spiritual dryness and arm us with the knowledge that we are surrounded by brothers and sisters who struggle alongside us on the road. +